"when there's nowhere else to run." - day nineteen.

"lately i've been wondering what's been going on. i've been here before, but i don't remember when. and, every time we get to where we're entering, i feel my beliefs and hopes surrendering."

basically explains my mood.

that french project seriously kicked my butt, and i've got to read 4 chapters in "of mice and men". even though it's really good.. there's another book i probably should be reading right now. and, dexter awaits me on netflix, too... doctor tomorrow, so no rehab. thursday, mani/pedi for the cup since apparently my mom now thinks my fingers and toes are worthy.. psh. i just can't wait for friday and saturday. CUPCUPCUP. the fun shall start as soon as i arrive. <3

but really.. i guess i should get off. not like i care whether i get this work done now. worst of the worst is over. school wise, atleast.

OH, thanks tyler, cody, christian, and steven for those awesome t-shirts!

totally diggin' my cripple person one.. <3 picture tomorrow, because my phone is screwing up.

screw this.

"i don't mean to close the door, but for the record my heart is sore. you blew through me like bullet holes, left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul."

i'm done.   i give up. on you, on this, on everything.
   i can't handle anything anymore.
    it's too much to even care.
     it's hopeless.
      i'm hopeless.
.

day seventeen.

posting "day blahblahblah" is getting really old. i miss posting lyrics. i might start that up again, and just put the day as the first line or something. sound good?

had SO much fun with helen and andrew this weekend! found a dress for prom, but i might not get it afterall. :/ bummer. I NEED A FREAKING DRESS. but, i'm pretty positive i'm going to be able to use helen's! it's BEAUTIFUL. <3

kick ass is seriously my favoritest movie ever. i'm in love.

dis gurl is bitchin.

and, i feel so cool because i finally bought myself the mumford and sons cd, while helen purchased big time rush, and adelle, which of course i'm going to copy and burn. <3

day sixteen.

welllll, whoopsies.


sorta forgot about this whole blog thing. it's not working out. but i'm doing the best i can. listening to carrie underwood with helen- "i let all these years go by, wasted." how cuuuuuute. i haven't listened to this in AAGES. 


SO HAPPY BECAUSE I GOT MY MUMFORD AND SONS CD TONIGHT! and, helen and i are making cds of avett brothers, adelle, big time rush, and the dropkick murphys. <3


i just looked back at my past few posts, and they're all so b.s.-ey. wow.


i'm thinking God will forgive me for not obsessing over the internet for four days. peace out.

day twelve.

well hello there. it's been twelve days so far, and i'm keeping up with this!

snaps for virginia beth.

so, as i promised- shout out to owens and maggie! we have such interesting conversations in murph's room... thanks for the foood, you two. you make like him in the tie, maggie, but i'm still diggin' the whole sports outfit... [;

stuart dunbar pennebaker, you are da best. <3

-for the pink hair dye.

- for reading (and liking) my blogs.

-for being such a sweetheart!

p.s. we still have to find time to decorate my brace.

i've realized that i lose faith way too easily. but, it's not my fault so many people have let me down and hurt me. is it? of all things, i shouldn't lose faith in God. for me, that's the hardest of all. i will never be able to comprehend how infinite he is. it's hard to have faith in something you can't see, or feel, but that right there IS faith- believing in something you can't see, nor touch. before i think i can grow in my relationship with him, i've got to work hard to build one.

until next time, xoxo.

day twelve.

i've got to get myself out of this.
out of these feelings and hurt.
out of everything. 

but i have no idea how. 

day eleven.

"let's have a game with happy and sad music. when you hear the happy music, play your rhythm sticks, or clap, just as you did before; like this..."

click hear to play your rhythm sticks.

i'm sitting here, waiting on lunch to be fixed because i feel the beginning of starvation setting in, listening to sierra leone by mt eden dubstep. or whatever that whole thing is. it's strangely relaxing and i've demolished the replay button for it. i hate how the past like 4 weekends i've made excuses for not going to church. crutches and a brace aren't stopping me. getting up to get ready isn't all that hard. if my leg hurts, i can take medicine. so why am i making up so many excuses for myself to not go? it's not like going to church should be a hassle. i have no problem going to youth every sunday afternoon, or going to bethel every wednesday night. hm. leaving today on a loaded question i guess. maybe i'll figure some things out tonight, at youth. until then..this is all for now. 

day ten.

keep your friends close, 

and your enemies closer. 

day nine.

tis all. 
     just came across this, somehow.

you have to listen to this here song. click link. <3

day eight.

i believe i've posted something about mumford and sons every single day this week? tis not a problem.

i dare to admit that i am obsessed with marcus mumford, however. <3

half day tomorrow, and i really want to make some plans for the afternoon.

AND, great news- Jeep is almost officially mine. even though it's practically falling apart, it's a care, nonetheless. needs new speakers though, as well as a lift i'm thinking.. [: my mom called me a redneck when i told her that. not surprising. i really want to go see RED play again. they was uhmaaazing.

hey ashley dent. i'm glad somebody can express the same type of liking for curiously sexy guys. alll of the time! <3 i love you!

friday night is twilight/new moon/eclipse night with ma mere? she wants to watch them, even though she's seen twilight 3 times already.. and fell asleep within the first five minutes. was it really all that bad? i'm thinking that's a yes. i was just so taken aback by robert and taylor...

I WANT TO GO SEE A MOVIE WITH MY HUSBAND THIS WEEKEND!



tis all. xoxo.

day eight.

first things first:

marcus mumford is sexy, and has such a rugged, beautiful voice, and i'm very much in love with it.

white blank page, live. LOVE HIS UNEDITED SELF. <3

from reading some other people's blogs, from the youth service tonight, and from my own experiences in general, i know that figuring out who you are can sometimes be extremely difficult. i know one particular person who seems to have who he is figured out- and not all of us have it that easy though. i wish i could say i know exactly who i am, and what my purpose is in life, but i don't. i wish i could wake up one day all knowing of what's going to happen to me, and where life will take me, but that's not something that can happen overnight. finding your "chazown" is most definitely a challenge. as i've said before, i hate bringing up (let alone thinking about) my past, so to speak. and as i learned tonight, my chazown could be something so unexpected to me. some type of aspect a person can have, that i never thought i was capable of showing. it's all the process though- learning who we are. it's all through God. <3

lately, we don't hang out. we don't text. we don't talk. we don't even see each other anymore. you're my best friend, and the last thing i want is for our friendship to fall apart. we've got a lot of stuff planned we haven't done yet.. it's just great knowing that you're still there, and i can still go to you with anything even if we're both busy 24/7. so much more i could say. but,

i love you, biffel! <3

day seven.

hey there errrrreybody. i'm still in my little "funk", and it's starting to show. 

since apparently i'm stank to seth and don everyday. not. <3

but, it's whatever. just praying, and keeping it real.

i must say, this 40 days thing is going by REALLY SLOW.

BUT STILL NO FRIED FOODS! [:

8-0 

lady bulldogs! :D

y'all played great, and thanksthanksthanks to brittany and ashleigh for carrying me across the field to ring the bell. true team right there, seriously. i love them SO much. <3

sorry. apparently i lied to you in my last blog, saying this one would be more interesting? eh..

 one update, is that our econ class may sell nalgene bottles for our 'product'? holla if you think that would interest you...

there's just a lot of things that i don't want to disclose to the public, clearly. 

night. 

until next time, xoxo.

day six.

today was just boring. 

i yearned to listen to mumford and sons alllllll day. but, since i've still yet to transfer new itunes onto my ipod, i couldn't. 

WHICH I'M DOING SO NOW.

but, i'm sure nobody really could give a crap. because, to be honest, i would've done it already if i cared enough...

"can you lie next to her, and give her your heart?"

totally had a revelation today. that i'm not expressing to the public of every single person who reads this. sorry..

i don't know what to talk about, at all. i'll probably have some major issue to speak of later. but until then, i'm really at a loss.

OH, i will say, i don't like creepy 22 year old guys that i have 2 mutual facebook friends with. out of my 1,300 friends, i might add. and asking me if i'm single. 

NOT COOL DUDE.

to those of you who have diligently read my blogs, thank you. sorry that today's (as well as the past weeks) have not been very interesting. 

until next time, xoxo.

day five. (again, sort of.)

i don't even know how to express how amazing extreme was tonight. 

for myself, it was a lot about letting go of the troubles i've been having and to just accept that God is here for me, and all of us. i don't want to revert back to my old ways- and the paths i was following before. but sometimes we go the easy way. and, 9 times out of 10 it's the wrong way. 

<3

"i was living life the way that i wanted, but my eyes reminded me i'm not free."

yeah, basically i'm really glad i went tonight. helped me clear my conscience of everything. gotta love God, [:

until next time, xoxo.

day four/day five.

yeah, yeah. i missed a night. sorry i was out at a friend's house for once.

saw little red riding hood with ben and laney, and it was scary..

i'm not in the best mood. not like i'm angry or anything. as stuart and etta describe it- a funk. just a depressive, blahish, sad mood. i'm not even in the mood to write this today, because i know the more i start typing, i might disclose details of things i don't want to.

all i'm really doing is listening to rest by nevertheless on repeat. <3

pretty much expresses how i'm feeling right now. thank God (seriously) i'm going to extreme this afternoon.

Cause you found a way to go on for day's
Pretending to live
But you are not ok
With all of that weight
You need to give up

Come now, just let it go
Let it fall down
Let it all flow, like,
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Till there's nothing left
Won't you come to Me...

As you are,
Dirty and broken
With all your scars from all the unspoken
With all of the words that you wanted to say,
But you locked them away, inside.

Come now, just let it go
Let it fall down
Let it all flow like,
Water that's rushing in over your soul
Till there's nothing left.

until next time, xoxo.

day three.

winter jam = amazing.

i had such a fantastic time tonight, worshipping God through some great music!

I FINALLY GOT TO SEE KUTLESS AGAIN!

red was just freaking crazy, and i got to head bang. xD

holla for that, since i haven't shut up about them since accelerant.. hehe.

and, i totally have a new found respect for the newsboys.

they.are.legit.AWESOME.<3

the guy who spoke (i'm slack, and forgot his name) was really chill. i just love how he expressed the idea that EVERYBODY is loved by our Lord, no matter what you've done, and the mistakes you've made.. it doesn't overcome His love for you, and His strength in protecting you if you let him.

prom dress shoppping tomorrow with laney and isabel, whooo!

even though i'm juuuuust looking. d:

i'm sleeeeepy- very, actually. had a good day overall, and winter jam made it 5830458402938 times better. i just love how sometimes, i start to feel distant again, and this just helps me remember everything i know so well. LOVES IT. well, mwah. night, errrreeybody.

until next time, xoxo.

day two.

"i know you're always there, to hear my every prayer inside."

promise of a lifetime, kutless! <3

hey there! today was just a swell day in general- minus me having to wear my brace at school. i know, i know; it's for the best. it's just miserable to have to sit on the edge of my seat, because the brace cuts up to my hip almost. sucks. it's whaaaaatever, though. i just want to get better, asap!

great job, lady dogs! 

6-0

kicked some booooty out thurr!

i personally think that one of the worst feelings you can get from another person is disappointment. especially your parents. just goes to show that even the littlest things can hurt the most. i tend to struggle with feeling like i don't come up to the standards my parents just expect from me automatically. i don't want to let them down, because i don't want to feel like i'm not good enough. 

good thing God is always there to catch us when we fall- he is always proud that we are his. <3

until next time, xoxo.

day one.

chazown: 

the hebrew word for vision; what God has in store for you; your purpose.

basically, at wednesday nights, we've been talking about this, and how to go after it. a whole lot of my past is me dealing with trying to erase it. it's a really hard thing to explain, even to myself, but i've never been so sure about anything else.. if i could erase everything of my past from when i was a little kid to about the summer before 8th grade, i couldn't care less. today, i realized that for me (as i'm sure it is others, too) finding my chazown will really be a challenge- because one of the main sources is your past experiences, good and bad. 

i don't like to face my issues, a lot of the time unless i'm sure i can handle them.

this means i've got to face everything, and just realize that erasing all of that is just erasing who i am, and who God plans for me to be. now that the hardest bit is over, i've just got to open all of me to His choices and plans- not just parts that i want. <3

sheesh, i'm sleepy. too much medicine for my knee!

camden vs. lugoff soccer

tomorrrrrrow!

kick some demon tail! :D

"be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers, starts so sweet and turns them to hunters."

COME VISIT ME! <3

i'm really diggin' this full leg brace... that i have to wear all week.

so, this is all that went down:

woke up at 5:15 yesterday morning to take a shower, and had to be at the hospital at 6! by about 7 the anesthesiologist put me out, and that was just so they could put the pain block shots in my leg. i do remember going in and out after that before surgery because they tried taking off my paper bracelet from the ski trip and apparently i kept saying "no gatlinburg no gatlinburg"... hmmm. and, the very last thing i remember was when i was in the operating room and seeing like 10 people around me, and those big surgery lights. they moved me onto the other table, and then i didn't wake up until 1. once i got home, i slept on and off until about 9 last night. <3

enough of all of that.

so, since a lot of stuff has happened, i've come to realize a few things:

1. i love florence + the machines.

2. lady gaga's new song isn't so amazing. it's only popular, well, because it's lady gaga.

3. my leg will be numb for about 8 more hours or so, i hope.

4. LOVES THIS WEATHER.

5. sleeping with one leg propped on two pillows with a huge brace is really not the most comfortable thing ever. don't let anyone fool you.

6. katie tiller made me the most delicious cake ever.

7. i already know i'm going to get very, very fat.

8. i'm suddenly sleepy again..

9. hulu and netflix online have become my new bestfriends.

10. i've had a craving for fajita nachos since i originally woke up yesterday. pregnant lady, much?

11. i look SO pretty right now..

12. my teachers are really slack about emailing me assignments they  said they'd email monday.

13. a shower sounds really good right now.. oh wait, i can't take one.

14. i'm literally falling asleep typing.

15. i miss my best friend. a lot. and i love her.

you shall be expecting a lot of blogging this coming week. <3

until next time, xoxo.