"pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." -m. kathleen casey.

letting go of someone, or something is never easy. sometimes it's harder just to wonder what you'll do with out that person in your life, almost as if you needed them to get through the day. today, i had someone ask me something that I’d never given too much time to think about. although there were only two options, it took me a few minutes to ponder on my answer. think about it like this, he said: one guy has everything he needs in life- all of his necessities, and anything he desires. would you rather him tell you he needed you in life, or that he wanted you? My final answer was ‘want’. if a guy had everything he needed, but still wanted me i’d know that he loved me and wanted to be with me. if a guy says he needs you it makes him seem more immature than anything- it makes it seem like he can’t be seen as his own person with or without a girlfriend. truer words have never been spoken. holding on to someone does make you a stronger person physically and psychologically, but to be able to let something go is 20x as hard. you’re letting go of memories, experiences, laughs, kisses, long talks; stuff i can’t even begin to imagine. on a more relaxed note, scarowinds was amaaaaazing. i rode the intimidator for the first time ever, and despite the fact that i was crying and hyperventilating on the way up, then as soon as we starting down the first drop, i opened my eyes and had the time of my life! i got strangely sick, like shaking and nauseous more than likely from dehydration, which wasn’t fun but at least it happened as we were leaving. I think honestly i had the best time on the way home, talking about a bunch of deep stuff with somebody who seems to have more experience with life than somebody twice his age. thank you, adam romero! you ARE a mind ninja! even though i’m not going trick or treating… this Halloween has been awesome. i’d say the best. <3

until next time, xoxo.

"the lingering question kept me up, 2 am- who do you love?"

it was, enchanting to meet you. <3

to start tonight's blog, i want to just say GO DOGS! camden kicked ass tonight.. again! onto the second round, right? woke up tired, and just bummed in general- lazy day at school! subway for lunch with sisky's class, then sonic after school with the bestie. of course, i happened to run into maggie and anndrea! oh, and kevin came and practically busted  my ear drums with his amazing sound system. then of course, FOOTBALL GAME. <3 i guess over all today was just alright. everything that happened was basically expected, you know? i hate days like that. it seems like every class lasts two hours, and you can't get certain things off your mind. i hate it when one little thing bothers you so much that you continuously run it over in your head allllll day long trying your best to re-create the situation even though life has no take-backs. i'm not giving up, i'm really not. but i'd like to see you placed in this situation right here, right now. i fight for what i want, until i get it.


tennis lost in first round of playoffs.. but it's okay. we all had like tons of fun out there playing our butts off! proud to say i'm part of the prettiest and smartest tennis team in and outside our region! <3

<3 i love them.

until next time, xoxo.

"you and i walk a fragile line- i have known it all this time, but i never thought i'd live to see it break."

to start off tonight's blog, i will say that t-swift's new album is amazing, and for me is the best she's ever made. today was actually pretty good. despite the fact that i was up on the phone until 1 am, i woke up in a good mood. i was happy enough to dress decent for once, aka, not jeans and a t-shirt! it doesn't happen very often after the first few weeks of school. my mood just changed completely- I'm terrified of thunder and lightning and storms. my doctor even confirmed that i have mild 'brontophobia'. look it up, it's legit i swear.
--------> here comes the actual interesting part of my blog, at 1 am. NOW, i have something worth writing.

fight for what you believe in , <3

have you ever wanted something you can't have? stupid question i know, but i don't mean material things like new clothes, or a new car. an actual human being. somebody you wanted, or more or less needed in your life? i do now. it's more than just the feeling of being able to be completely real with this person, but the fact that i know no matter what deep down, there will always be a place for him in my heart. it's crazy what a 2 hour phone conversation can do to you. tonight, it changed me a bit.  "you can't care about anything else, it's all just whatever. if you want something just keep fighting for what could happen, look at what it could be not what it might've been." truer words have never been spoken. i'm a natural born competitor, whether it be tennis, soccer, or guys. if i really want a person, as much as i want to be with you, you'd know it. good thing is, after tonight, i'm not giving up. i don't know where this could lead me, you- us. all i know is that i'm going to keep my eye on the fact that it could be something great regardless of some minor factors. nothing stands between us anymore except my own fears. is the second ' i love you' always as awkward as the first?

until next time, xoxo.

"any moment could be my last, this is me you can take it or leave."

for me, there's nothing i love more than to curl up on the couch underneath a blanket, with a mug of hot chocolate steaming beside me. whether i'm watching the notebook, reading a john grisham novel, or writing in this new blog- i'm content. i'm in a zone, where i don't really have to think about things to let thoughts pass through my head... if that makes any sense. one of the things i hate the most is people who are blatantly rude. if you don't like what i'm wearing, don't stare at me in the halls with a stank look that screams "ew" or "wtf". it's not cool, at all! i judge waaay more than i should, but i'm not going to make it completely obvious. sometimes when i say something about a person, or make a comment on something i don't make it obvious because all in all i'm not saying it to hurt them. however, that doesn't make it right at all.

    <3 but enough of that... i miss one person very, very much. maybe i didn't try my hardest to get him back- but really... was he ever mine? i gave you the chance though God knows how many times and even said straight out, i'm here. i'm single. i like you, a lot. buttttt, that's never enough, as i see. no, i'm not asking for you back.. just sort of thinking about things i guess. <---- all of that's where my little song lyric/title comes in. "this is me, you can take it or leave." last, but certainly not least, as promised, kacee harris shall be mentioned... there you go! baaah, only kidding. this girl works wonders. she's one amazing friend, and i know she's always here no matter what. she knows how to make me laugh all the time and knows what to say to everything. if it's a guy, well, "screw em, they're not worth your time." classic kacee. i love you, big girl!

p.s. i realize tonight's post is pretty lame... and slack, sorry. i'm distracted, and just not into it tonight. tomorrow's shall be better. <3

until next time, xoxo.

"just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world."

nah.. i didn't take the 'midnight train goin' anywhere', but if i could hop on any flight headed straight for dallas, i'd do it in a heartbeat. i'd go to see the one person that i love the most in this world- my sister. i miss dallas more than i miss summer all together.. and if you know me, that says a LOT. my sister is like the other half of me, and when i'm with her, it's like two peas in a pod. she's like the senseless, goofy, creative side of me. taking two shots of red bull just to get the day started, hitting up the gym after tanning for a few hours almost makes up all of the GTL missed on the off-season of jersey shore. the nightlife of dallas sucked me in more than anything. it showed me just how much i want to grow up. there are so many things about me that i wish i could change, but lord, give me the chance to be just 5 years older, and i'd be content. sometimes i think it'd be so easy to just drop everything i have right now and leave. and sometimes i feel like i wouldn't really care, to be honest. right now, that could be true- but in the long run, not so much. although life for me right now isn't all fine and dandy. it's the COMPLETE opposite. i haven't actually hung out with my best friend in about 2 months now, i haven't seen my sister in over 4, and i'm just lost with everything. true to the lyrics, i really am a small town girl, living in a lonely world. i'm a teenager, just lost in this vast expansion of the adult world trying to figure out who i am, all the while having others trying to do it for me. i wish i could be more mature sometimes, and not make such stupid decisions, but growing up doesn't come easily. as almost everyone who is older (and respectively wiser) than me has said, "don't rush growing up-you'll miss it one day." i can't remember the last time i actually took somebody's advice, but hey- if it applies to me growing up, then i'm all ears.

dallas with courtney, before lady gaga.<3

until next time, xoxo.

"we met on the front porch, fell in love on the phone."

so i was thinking; this would be my first ever blog- my first ever time to just write out everything i was thinking at the moment, or thought about during the day... and let anyone and everyone read it. it's a little scary. but what i've been thinking about most lately is love. it seems a bit absurd when you see people in the middle of love triangles and relationship wrecks like that, but maybe it's not something that can be helped. i won't lie- i've been in a position much worse than having to decide between two guys. no, that doesn't make me a slut, but it shows just how hard making a decision can be. but decisions aren't always that hard. sometimes (however ironic it may seem) the easiest decision to make is to forgive someone. it's never too late to accept an apology, or hear a person out.. or to tell them you love them. it really can make the biggest difference. <3

---->feel honored, Robb Dudley, aka roob, you are the first person to make it into my infamous blog. you're like my best guy friend, and i can tell you anything and never doubt that i can trust you. i love you!

2009 biology buddies. <3

until next time, xoxo.