"baby we've been living in sin, 'cause we've been really in love but we've been living as friends."

*lately, i've been a whole lot of people.
      but around you, i'm me. 

thanks for allllllways either messing with my so called 'junkie' hat, or my hair. 

so, i never really posted after christmas or anything. so i'll start by saying it's been great! things are really looking up- with a lot of different things. for one, good old dinosaur phone was replaced, by a samsung gravity touch! for those who know me, you know this is a MAJOR step up in technology for me. plus, gotta little coach side satchel... (; other than that, i got some victoria's secret stuff. sexxxxi! i'm pretty much happy right now. i realllllly hope things stay the way their going. minus school coming back up. which reminds me, i've been spending every waking hour at john's house trying to get this roller coaster project done for wittle genie wallace. ARGH! i mean, make a roller coaster? seriously?! she said it'd be easy. psh. i reallyreallyreally want to go see august burns red in concert! that'd be amaaaaazing. 


~

i used to hate the feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin. it was like being in a constant state of paranoia- constantly walking into a room and thinking every single person there is suddenly judging you, and talking about you. the ironic thing is, it's so selfish, because you're acting as if the world revolves around you, and every single person cares what you're wearing, how you look, or who you're with. it's something that you just have to get over, though. it's tough, realizing that however because it all revolves around being comfortable with who you are. self confidence says it all. sometimes i still go out places, constantly wondering how i'll be judged, and (sometimes easier than others...) i just think to myself, who. gives. a. shit. and, well- it works for me. if you act confident, you will be confident. it's as simple as that. 




shout out to john- shanks for helping me with this project. seriously, i really don't know where i'd be without you on this one.


i'm just glad i didn't get my face blown off THREE TIMES today... <3








until next time, xoxo.

hearing is not the same as listening.

well.. life never goes the way you expect is, does it? 

-two people right about now are probably saying "i told you so." sorry, guyyys. should've listened to you- legit. but it wasn't what i wanted to hear, so i let it in one ear and out the other. disregarded it, and now i'm eating your words. but, it's okay. sometimes things are really unnecessary to get upset over. 20 seconds worth of being like WTF is about right. seriously though- considering this really doesn't bother me (which maybe it should?) i guess it shows that overall i didn't care as much as i thought i did. which can be a relief. 

i   g o t   m y   r e s t r i c t e d   t o d a y  !

1. i visited stuuuuuart!

2. went and hung out with helen, adam, hope, and john! :D

3. drove out to corey's place!

4. went to laney's and hit up wal-mart!

ahhhhhhh, the joys of driving. <3

"you ever been to rome, georgia- picked peaches off the trees? climbed a water tower- in paris, tennessee? been to florence, alabama- drank muscadine wine? just give me a chance to change your mind. so before you go and fly away girl- let me show you 'round a country boy's world."

<3

"until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you."

i'd say i've had a great past few days. 

even after today, i still find myself smiling at the littlest things.

trying for the restricted, tomorrow!

no comment. 

hey mommy, and daddy. i know i yell at you all the time, and i'm not gracious for anything you do for me. you feed me, i have a roof over my head, and with everything else i get from you, i still find ways to complain. i'm sorry for that- because i love you both very much. at least for once, we could all agree on one picture for the christmas card. <3

glow bowling is for losers.

so...

tonight most definitely didn't go as expected! 

plans were to go 'glow bowling' from like 8 to 11, or something like that.

we get there at 8, and they're closed. so, kyle, garrett, liv, emily and myself pop a squat inside of la fiesta's where we're pressured into buying food. after we eat, we notice that closing time is 5 minutes away. so heck, let's go to the piggly wiggly, shall we? closed. walk to bojangles, perhaps? closed. hmm, hike to gadgets? closed. sprint to kfc? OPEN! but only for 30 more minutes...

then, of course we have to be back at the bowling alley to come up with a story of how they kicked us out because it closed some short time before 10. nevertheless, there are some very sketch people in the parking lot, chilling in their trucks, who'd been there since like 8 talking. creeeeeps.

1. liv crapped behind a car wheel, according to emily.

2. we ate at liiiike 3 different restaurants.

3. we saw 50,000 cops out on patrol. 

4. we saw druggies as we were walking around almost-east camden.

5. my toes went numb.

until next time, xoxo.

"i'll see you when i see you..."

"...and i hope it's someday soon."

for starters-  CHRISTMAS BREAK STARTED TODAY!

i spent an amazing day out with caroline, jules, and ashley at sandhills almost allllllll day! shout out to seeing autumn and t-ball, ad junior and carlos! [:

oh, and some pretty trashy river rat girls who like to flip people off. so cute.

we definitely sat in santa's lap... he sure did ho-ho-ho a little too much.

<3

this weekend is supposed to be crazy busy. tomorrow i'll be at church from 9-11, then caroling from 3-5. then, everybody back to my house for 'treats'! joy. sunday, is confirmation... and i've been thinking A LOT about lately. it's already too late to just be like "i'm not really ready for this" or to try and back out, but it's something that maybe i need to do regardless. maybe it will help me more to find God. instead of thinking that maybe i should sit around and let him come to me, i guess i've gotta go get him.

so... you know i have absolutely no control over how i feel for you. i just can't have a repeat of everything. it's not that i don't want to like you, or have feelings for you. it's the fact that i'm only trying to protect myself. it's not that i don't trust you either- i do. but my heart's under lock and key right now. it's not that i didn't want you to know, it's just i'm scared. i opened up to everything last year, and i was willing to risk it all- and i did! it kills me to find out NOW how you felt then. you're my best guy friend, hands down, end of story, period. i'm just tired of hearing "i don't know." maybe i told you it'd be best we didn't talk to get your attention. because sometimes i really wonder if you're listening when i say i love you. i don't say it because it fills dead silence, or because it seems opportune. like 98% of everything else i say, i mean. since you will no longer listen to me for anything else, i didn't tell you i wanted us to stop talking late nights on the phone, and texting, and what not. i just stated that maybe it'd be best if I didn't. hence, I! for one, i was just trying to think out loud. and i regret doing that, obviously... but, just know i'm not going anywhere. but if that's the way you want it to be, then i guess i'll just see you when i see you. 

p.s. you're the love i wanna be in, because you've got yourself a country boy's world, and it's days like these when i decide that i ain't ready to quit. 

and, yes that was 4 jason aldean song titles thrown into a sentence. don't hate. 

until next time, xoxo.

"i've been sleeping on stones."

so, today youth was pretty lame. since LIKE 3 PEOPLE SHOWED UP. and, something's stuck underneath my cap's lock key? coooool. anywho, my leader brian noticed the jimi hendrix quote written on the side of my shoe, and we ended up discussing it the entire time. and, it's preeeetty cool how much underlying meaning you can find in words.

"When the love of power equals the power of love, the world will know peace." - jimi hendrix.

so, to start out this whole little explanation, i'll say:

love is God, God is love.

that right there is 100% true, no matter what angle you look at it from.

look at this quote, and think, if power is the love of creation, and love is the love of the creator then you love God simply because he is love.

it's a LOT to wrap your head around- believe me. i sat there contemplating for about 15 minutes before my brain began functioning correctly again.

the first "love" is not nearly even in comparison to the second "love", nor with the word "power" either. those two will never equal each other, because of the fact that nothing is stronger than God's love.

i'm not trying to preach here, just sort of a revelation i had today. God himself, or the idea or spirit of God- however you see it- does not need our love, or anything from us. he has absolutely everything he needs, and he doesn't have to  love us. technically, in my perspective he doesn't, if he is love. he just is. i can't find an easier way to explain it.

we weren't born to worship- we were born worshipping.

sorry if you disagree with everything i've just said. it's my blog, my personal reflections on life and everything in life itself. you don't have to believe me, or listen to me, but for God's sake, if ou don't like it, don't read it.

until next time, xoxo.

"i've no broken bones, and i appear to be just fine. my life's spinning deep, from the inside."

to move on IS to grow, really.

^we come as romans.

i hate it whenever i get on here with some magnificent idea of what i'm going to write about... then as soon as the page is pulled up, i struggle to find some good lyrics for a title. this week has been very random for me. at some points i feel as if i've been sitting in school for a decade, and then days like today- i wonder what happened to monday and tuesday! for anyone who has not yet discovered her talents because of any sort of reason, LISA TWITTY IS AMAZING. hardly do i ever understand the algebra 2 lesson when it's actually being taught (even though i don't know if you'd call it teaching by you know who) and this woman will stay 3 hours after school with you to be sure you understand it. she's a gift to camden high school, and my right brained self. today was just, stressful to say the least though. huuuuuge benchmark tomorrow, which i've yet to study for... thanks, blogger. just a bunch to catch up on as well, outside of school. and that was my day- boring. boring. boring.

SO! is this personal life time? maybe some people are hoping so... i have a few notes-to-self:

1. stop eating out at wendy's for lunch so much. please and thanks, your favorite pair of jeans.

2. remember to go running everyday. not every week or so. or month.

3. study for benchmark once finished with this list.

4. STOP. BEING. SO. GULLIBLE.

5. next time a guy is realy, really nice- 2nd guess him.

-

-

-

anywho, i'm tired of school being so stressful. it's terrible. i just want high school over and done with. i want to start a new, fresh, different life in college. a life where people shall get to know me for ME. not from what every single stupid person in this hick town has to say. i'm almost 100% positive i've said this before, but seriously, "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you." excuse my french, mademoiselle, but i call bull shit on that one. i do my best to stand up for people because i know what it's like to have rumors spread about you, so don't try and tell me i don't. it's hell. it's scary. it's embarrassing. it's humiliating. it's obnoxious. it's mean. next time, watch what you say... it could be the death of someone.

^a little much? eh... maybe. [:

i feel like a spokesperson from some anti-teen-suicide commercial. it really didn't sound that hokey whenever i was typing it out, trust me. <3

p.s. thanks for 1,000 views, everybody- it means a lot to know that some people do care enough to read my random thoughts.

until next time, xoxo.

"and i'll pretend that this is real- for the moment you're all mine. no more lies, and no more hate- but then you woke me up."

Seriously, there are no words that could describe how happy I am… at the moment. It’s more than likely (probably 100%) because of Christmas. Only 25 days left, for those of you who live under a rock. The Christmas tree officially has lights, but we’ve yet to get the 50,000 ornaments we own on it yet. Christmas just seems to give me hope, for a lot of reasons. I love the smell of Christmas tree SO much, it’s slightly obsessive. More than anything though, I love seeing people react to the gifts I give them. I love watching their faces light up with joy- it just brings a great feeling to my heart. Yeah, yeah- I know, it sounds really cheesy, but it’s true! Christmas Eve, at Grace church is hands down the best. If you don’t agree, it’s because you’ve never been. The greatest part is when they turn allllll the lights off, and we pass out candles to sing silent night at the very end. Plus, Stu and I are the best torch bearers around, holla! …Only when we’re not attempting to burn the church down. I’ve never not watched the 25 days of Christmas movie countdown on ABC family for as long as I can remember! (Tonight was “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”!) I save “A Christmas Story” though, for Christmas Eve. It’s a classic, and a tradition in my household. For me, Christmas is the best time of the year. <3

------> best acolyte group ever, <3

obviously, tonight's blog was just devoted to about 5% of my obsession with Christmas. More than likely because i've been watching ABC family while sitting beside a Christmas tree writing this.

until next time, xoxo.