that above is just to understand kinda how i'm feeling right now. and the best part is that in a way, my title (from the song, the hopeless) goes along with what i'm thinking about tonight, after PB's amaaazing mini "sermon" i guess you'd say, tonight. so keep in mind that i'm not this knowing of God's word and we all perceive it differently- so if you disagree, then disagree silently.
schizophrenia is that whole thing where you have multiple personalities and i mean it's a common thing during church to talk about whether or not you're the same person in church, at school, at home, and who you are in different groups of people. but i mean, christian schizophrenia.. that works too. it's hard for me to determine whether or not i act different in different groups because some things appropriate with some friends are unacceptable with others. my best friend of 7 years is a recovering addict and atheist. am i supposed to abandon that relationship because i know that everything about it isn't Godly? i don't think so. we have places in each others lives. but then that poses the question again, do i act different with her and my other friends than i do with church friends? yeah, i'll admit i do. i'm me around them all, just more conservative versions or more wild versions at times. it's a wake up call i guess, to have someone call me out on tumblr for having Christlike posts and also having posts that involved alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and self harm. I was told that i gave christianity a bad name, and that christians in fact gave christianity a bad name. of course i was angry at the time, but i never saw a problem with what i was posting because i wasn't screaming out false advertisement saying "hey, i'm a christian and i'm the best one and i'm perfect". not even close. but it does show me that i need to figure out what i need in my life the most. at this point, i just don't want anything. i would be willing to die for Jesus Christ right now to leave everything that i hate behind to finally be happy. yes, i would honest to God do that. but i know that God has my plan etc.. and clearly i'm still on earth for some reason that has yet been known to me. i know i need God's help but it's my nature at this point in time to not only refuse help, but feel like i just don't need it.
people really don't know me, and i think that's fair considering i really don't know myself. it's so typical now a days to hear a girl say "look at all my tumblr posts and you'll know my heart". that's true for me in a way. my tumblr. i post what i feel at any given point in time; if i see something i like, i reblog it, something i want. i know that over half of it is unGod like. but, i'm not trying to represent something i'm not on there. so i post bible verses, christian song lyrics when i want just like i'll post half naked tattooed guys when i want. i keep thinking i'm one thing when i discover through a chain of events i'm really another. not a single label can describe me- like a lot of people, there'd be a chain of them.
i want to find me but i don't know if i'm ready for that.
i need God's help to decide if i am ready.
i need to find God.
i genuinely do strive to be a true christian, a true disciple of Christ- i want people to look at me and see how he radiates throughout me. i want a Godly man, and even though being equally yoked is always a key, i want a guy already devoted to God, because then i won't be upset knowing i'm 2nd to him, and he can help me to model my relationship with Christ not after his, but as a genuine follower.
buuuut, right now.. aka real life for me. that's not all that i'm dealing with. so typical.
"Can you hear me screaming?
I've been yelling so much
That my throat is bleeding
I'm giving up on everything
I've given up on everything"
mm, time to talk about masks. that's the main reason nobody really knows me. i'm not fake, that's for sure. i'm an extremely honest person.. sometimes to the point of being brutally honest. but i don't want others to see or feel what i go through; my pain. i'd rather people look at me and see an innocent, normal teenager, which all in all that's what they see. it's hard wanting somebody to know how you feel, and when you're screaming out everything, it seems like nobody's listening. i'm too scared to get out because showing my scars is like announcing it on an intercom at school. it's more bravery than i'll ever have. things are better with mom..mainly because i ignore her 90% of the time. whooop. okay. i'm done.
love y'all. xoxo
